Never spoil your future with your past

Do you do you ever think about if um if you met your younger self, if if you were to tell them if you tell them what’s going to happen, they asked or um would you not tell them so they know they can find out for themselves you know because if I tell you what’s gonna happen, then you know it’s gonna happen already and you couldn’t experience it genuinely like I did you have a different reaction in it would it be the same person in the beginning that you asked all these questions to if I was told you what’s going to happen because you would already know that I was going to tell you it

Tell somebody what it’s like, but if they can’t actually feel what it’s like they will never know 

Some stuff is left unsaid. It’s better that way.

Like but nobody will know exactly how someone feels even if it is, you’re going to  be yourself 

You might feel one way one second in the moment later not feel that way you explain it

You don’t know like the answers because the questions are always changing. That’s life, it’s a constant destruction, infinite internal struggle with yourself 

Do you go right? When you go there should you went left and you won’t know. These little moments , you know you think you’re gonna be a little moments, but they become big moments and sometimes you have to go left to be right until we meet again

The calm of this

Do you know if the last is the last thing? Does somebody who’s gonna die if somebody is gonna be born just two souls on a differently colored plane of existence. A lot of the stuff I say it doesn’t make a lot of sense

Well back up at the time now. Is it a minute that goes by seconds. I heard a door slam one more fucking time I’m gonna go crazy or am I really crazy already is it voice is outside with the voices in my head constant sound sometimes garbled sometimes it makes sense I don’t know. Fuck I don’t know Thanksgiving weekend two days to Thanksgiving. Why am I even talking about Thanksgiving you might  even read this until after Thanksgiving. Do you ever think about that I mean do you have to think about anything the last thing you talk about? Who who what? Where. Leaving leaving leaving going tomorrow sitting on my food one thought connects to a memory or memory care next to the thought. I don’t think we’re anymore but they let me gather them together so I know I have you ever been with a group of people and still feel alone have you ever thought about that? 

Leave it to me to think about thinkinh I can I think about that. This is stupid peoples gonna read my blog and think I’m crazy stupid.

I really don’t know, but I’m gonna sit here and think about it. I can’t think about it 

These Ramblin thoughts. It’s been a long time in a long time since I got on a lot of them. Some are still left to be finished.

Until we meet again

My last one buddy but they're gone now

 When I met at my friend Nick at first I didn't know what to think about him. As time went I realized that he was the brother that I always wanted that brother that wouldn't hurt me he comforted me when I was sick supported me he's so passionate about wrestling that passion I never seen in anybody in a long time. every Monday night Facebook lit up like a Christmas tree we spend hours discussing the events for that night. We talked about life and how much it hit hard we get back up. Outside of the dark place in my life he is my light he was my light see Nick passed away 3 years ago now everyday I wake up thinking it's a nightmare but it's a reality my best friend's gone my wrestling buddy the guy that wants a month on Saturday nights with be sitting front row ringside at a local wrestling event I used to love and get tickled to death how he lied into those bad guys that passion you can't teach. I don't let a lot of people in my life but some reason somehow Nick found his way into my life until the very end he never left. Yeah yeah you know they'll make a lot of people in Nicholas Hill but there's only going to be one Nicholas Hill I will ever really know . From Terry funk all the way to Paul Lee, Nick had various favorites. it's ironic that he died on Monday night raw right in the middle of it on December 28th of the year 2020

You never know what you really have until you until you don't until you don't have it anymore it's a crying shame I thought me and Nick would grow to be old men but he died he got taken I guess it was this time but do you ever really know when it's your time I don't know I don't want to be my time but when it is my time it will be my time enough about me this is about Nick Nicholas Hill the guy who for 20 years busted his ass at Walmart just to be showing the door. Nick never let his feelings be shown that a lot of people but you know a lot of this might seem like gibberish but it's speech I'm not really sure I could write this but for 3 years a huge part of me has been missing you never know who's going to be your best friend you just when you know you know I guess I didn't really know I don't really know what I had but every day I get up I walk across that room look at that picture of the two of us saying in the wall I remember that day it was his birthday. It's just a memory now a good memory a real good memory a damn good memory a real f****** big memory when I get to heaven and I have to look at my memories that's probably going to be one of my memories that I look at. It was an honor and a privilege my privilege to know my friend my brother. I miss you big guy see you